I’m a former flight attendant and here’s the perfect place (and time) to join the

Former flight attendant Marika Mikusova 

Think the life of a flight attendant is one big party?

One former air hostess has set the record straight in a book that pulls together her diary entries made while working for a ‘luxury airline’ over a period of five years.

‘Diary of A Flight Attendant‘ by Marika Mikusova is a warts-and-all behind-the-scenes look at what it’s really like to work at 38,000ft. Read on for some of the revelations contained within the tome, from the best place and time to join the mile-high club to why Germans are the best at boarding and the shocking habits of cabin cleaning crews…

GERMANS – AND THEIR SEAT-SWAPPING PROWESS

Marika reveals how ‘boarding basically takes care of itself on a German flight’.

She explains: ‘Passengers know where to sit and how to arrange their luggage in the hat racks [overhead bins], which they then close themselves. And if they want to change seats with someone, they go and ask them themselves, instead of coming to us like little kids to sort it out for them.’

POSTURE IN THE CABIN

After one flight, Marika witnessed a cleaner wiping the surface of the galley ‘with the same rag he just used to wipe the toilet floor’

Marika was once told by a supervisor that she ‘shouldn’t lean on seats because it doesn’t look good’. Marika complained that this was difficult when standing behind a seat, explaining: ‘We absolutely must “lean”, or we would fall into the seats behind us. My blood’s boiling.’

THE CHAOS OF BUSY FLIGHTS

One flight was so busy, Marika explains, that ‘half an hour before landing, we are still running up and down the cabin, collecting dirty meal trays’. She adds: ‘Some passengers get so fed up with our snail’s pace that they bring the trays to the galley themselves. And when there’s nowhere else to put them, they leave them on the floor. We’d have picked them up quicker if it hadn’t been for a few passengers suddenly remembering they’d like a coffee.’

COMING CLEAN ABOUT THE CLEANERS

After one flight, Marika witnessed a cleaner wiping the surface of the galley ‘with the same rag he just used to wipe the toilet floor’. She adds: ‘I’ve seen it so many times, I’m not surprised at all.’

HOW ARE THE CREWS AT CLEANING THE LAVATORIES?

Marika says: ‘When the crew goes to “clean the lavatory”, what that really means for a lot of them is that they just lock themselves inside for five minutes to check their cell phones.’

THE TIME A PASSENGER LIT UP IN THE TOILETS

Marika reveals that on one flight a passenger smoked a cigarette in the business-class toilet – it wasn’t long before cabin crew were deployed with fire extinguishers…

Marika writes: ‘I peek into the cabin on the right, and see a puff of smoke coming from the lavatory. Dido [a colleague] immediately yells that she can see smoke, and lunges for the compartment with a fire extinguisher. I follow her with [colleagues] Dragana and Wilson.

‘We arrive at the lavatory with four fire extinguishers and Dido literally knocks down the door. So much smoke pours into the cabin in a second that we can’t even see each other. Inside the lavatory, there’s a guy with a cigarette looking at us in disbelief.

“‘Did you throw a cigarette in the trash?!” I yell at the guy, feeling my voice shake and adrenaline flooding me. I pour water into it to be sure.

‘My hands are shaking and tears are welling up in my eyes.’

Diary of A Flight Attendant by Marika Mikusova is a warts-and-all behind-the-scenes look at what it’s really like to work at 38,000ft

SURPRISE ‘DIAPER PRESENTS’

Marika recalls a passenger changing her baby’s nappy on the flight at her seat – just before the meal service.

Marika writes: ‘I try to indicate to her that it may not be pleasant for other passengers, especially since we’re just starting to serve meals.

‘The lady just smiles: “It’s okay, I’m done anyway.” At the end of the flight I find used diapers under her seat. This isn’t the only flight where I’ve found these “surprises” at the end.’

THE CREW HIERARCHY

Marika reveals that the crew hierarchy even extends to checking into the hotels together after a flight, with senior staff traditionally going forward to check in first.

THE BEST PLACE – AND TIME – TO JOIN THE MILE-HIGH CLUB

Marika writes: ‘The lavatories in economy class are by far the “safest” place to join the mile-high club. Economy class is so vast that you can barely see the end of it. And it has several lavatories. It’s more practical to use a lavatory that has only one door. Not the one in which the door has to “fold” to give you enough room to even step inside. Us flight attendants, we like to sit and chat in the galleys. Plus, we dim the cabin lights after each service, so that’s the perfect time for… well, you know. You’re welcome, by the way.’

Diary of a Flight Attendant is out now. Click here to order a copy. You can find Marika tweeting at twitter.com/letuska_m and her Instagram account is here.